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Archive for May, 2008

Each day, in various ways, I think about my upcoming years within my twilight. At first, the thoughts are not overwhelming, but as they age they lead me from generalized thinking to a defined concern. I collect the concerns, after their fruition, file them away and then retrieve them for conscious exploration. Undeveloped concerns remain floating in the periphery of my consciousness until I decide to explore it or they never choose them. Possibly the ones that I never explore are the most difficult and so I avoid addressing those issues. In addition, a worry may be difficult to explore because the information is at the time of occurrence, although some worries are innocently prefabricated with out anything proven.

Regardless of what type of concern, the seeds are in my head buried in numerous ways. Sometime within my second year of college, during the time that I was taking many anthropology and art history courses I developed an uncanny picture of a group of people that had lived during the 15th and 16th century. Most of the group lived as artists, whose work kept their memory alive in the future. There were others in the picture that did not have any recognized voice in the future. I became very tense. I sat down on the ground without moving, nor speaking, because I couldn’t stop thinking about those “unknowns” in the picture. Who were they and what did they do? Without knowing those answers they were like empty, shells arranged within the picture plane and were used for color, texture or balance as any other prop might be.

It is then that I realized the limitations of remembering. Your accomplishments and your work becomes the catalyst for a memory of you by future generations. However, if you are unable to produce something so remarkable, then the people that knew you while you were living can only recognize your personal accomplishments. Possibly those memories, especially in families, can be handed down to each generation, but eventually that link will broken and suddenly you can become just another marker in a vast field of markers for mankind

My thinking opened a magnanimous perplexity for me in justifying a life form; particularly mine when I asked, “Is living without eternal recognition sufficient enough reason to be here?” With a raised eyebrow I realized the enormity of my question and decided that it was best left alone in its entirety, but another thought tumbled forth and it required me to reflect upon my life and fill any gaping holes or quiet any inconsistencies. Through careful examination of all actions and decisions in my life, I could be able to tell if I had affected anyone even if they didn’t know me. It seemed correct to state that if someone knew of me and didn’t know me then it would be quite possible for a future person to know something about me.

All of this began to feel ostentatious. Once again, I slumped to the floor feeling a little overwhelmed and knew I needed to return to a logical and thorough reflection of my life to guide me in the future. Instinctively, I knew that this was the appropriate time to look at my life–a time before being within Crepusculum,

a time to begin reflection.

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The morning opened somewhat like the evening before, cold, gray, rain making me feel unusually, uneasy, and unless the dawn breaks out into bright, golden rays of light, it will be difficult to shake the sensation I have. For now, as the raindrops hit the window and the gray holds strong, I will sit pensively.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the darkness turns to dawn. I can see the bricks that form the patio floor glisten from the rain and the distant houses begin to show on the horizon. My thoughts are as gray as it is outside. In addition, some of the concerns are about me; the grayness allows me to see how unsettled I feel about tomorrow. Question after question hit me swiftly, like the darts puncturing the surface of the board, each demanding solutions for the present and my future. I do not have those answers and I may never have them.

My questions, my thoughts, the concerns are dominated by my own aging and have developed by being the primary caretaker for my Mother and managing my Father’s care for the last year prior to his death. I watched and I watch as they each became more dependent for life care. Each was active until their early eighties and then their abilities changed drastically. My father never addressed how he felt about having two hired people living in his house and caring for, although, he did not say a lot the day I asked him for his car keys. My mother, on the other hand, is quite aware of the changes that she has experienced. She loves life and holds on to it with a will that few could equal, Even though her inner strength is strong, the reality of her life is now overwhelming to her. At times, when we talk I know she is struggling to keep her will. However, at the end of the day, before the exhaustion sets in, before their bodies are free to rejuvenate one day he knew and Momma knows that they are and were not alone. I am always there, my sister is not far away and M. has been constant in his vigil

And so,

I place myself in their shoes and I become very frightened. I shout to my self, very loudly and very clearly, that it will not be the same for me. I will be alone, I will not have a trusted family member next to me, and I will not have “trust”.

I have never liked being alone–

Suddenly the “what If’s” set in.

  • What if I have a debilitating stroke—
  • What if I have my father’s heart? By-pass surgery in my 80’s alone–
  • What if I am incontinent–
  • What if I cannot speak well or have a tracheotomy–
  • What if I cannot see well–
  • What if my memory becomes inconsistent–
  • What if death does not come speedily
  • What if
  • What
  • If

Yes, what if, what if you feel distrust,

What if you are alone?

Moreover, what if no one hears your plea?

What if?

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With the inception of Within Crepusculum its meaning has been infused with stories and musings that I have written to help me understand how I feel about entering the next period of my life. At the present time I am at a precipice of my twilight, teetering between the life that I have only known, to a life that I feel will have many chapters of pages that might include life changing stumbling blocks. Even though I do not know the time of my arrival, I do not hasten to experience an interim destination. Presently, I believe that the human twilight will probably begin around the age of retirement and so I should not waste time in exploring the obstacles that I am sure are there.

In my writings, held in the spirit of musing or in the true stories of others, I try to discover the equations that may provide a peaceful existence in the dusk of life. Because of this quest, there is little time for me to be free from thought on the aging process; it is always with me and if I am successful in my exploration then at the end of this particular journey I should be ready for any perplexity.

Over the past months, I often surf the web for blogs that are like mine. Any likeness in thought is a welcomed event, particularly since Within Crepusculum has been placed in the category of death and dying by a major, blog identifier, I am now interested in comparing other blogs to see how they may be categorized or what categories are used within the blog. I understand how that error could have innocently occurred; yet, I feel my thoughts are not that ambiguous. Since I have begun looking for another blog, I have yet to find one that questions how a person can try to prearrange solutions to the pitfalls of being elderly or explore how any individual needs to accept the later years in life. Instead, there are many informational blogs from government institutions, blogs from nurses addressing care for elderly patients in hospitals, hospice and nursing homes, as well as, a plethora of blogs and articles on elder abuse and elder suicide.

The informational sites are helpful with information on mental and physical health issues, however most of them do not address any personal issues. Nonetheless, I continue search for personal accounts, thoughts, the sum total of man’s intellectual worry about the aging process because it is not just enough to know how to invest your money, where you should live, how you should life of, what should you do if you can’t.

During one particular search, one of the sites listed on Google was Eons at http://www.eons.com/. The description of the site is:

We’re the online community for BOOMers!

· Stay in touch with your friends and make new ones

· Join or start Groups to fuel your passions and interests

· Play games, build your brain, and have fun!

During the first couple of months I visited Eons for a few times each month I filled out a profile, I made the pages look pretty, I clicked on any of the tabs and then I signed out. One time, without thinking much about what I was doing, signed in and clicked on groups, which I had never done before. The next screen caused a little thought to decide which group to visit. I chose Groups, and then browse by groups and on to categories of general groups. Finally I curiously clicked on Caregivers for Elderly Parents, then on to another group: ” Looking to the Future” or Last Love Standing–Guardianship.

Each time I read the individual group’s vision and purpose I realized this site provides much discussion about the concerns I explore in Within Crepusculum. Then, sheepishly, I realized this site has features that might interest some of my readers. There are groups that provide support for many areas life encounters. There are groups that are humorous, entertaining and some are very informative.

The following is a short overview of Eons, in which I intend not to endorse, but rather simply to introduce readers to so that they may visit it and decide for themselves. There is also a Blog for members, which also was an area to find information for many platforms.

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Eons: The online community for BOOMers!

explore the areas on Eons

Eons Group Categories

Body & Health (504 groups)
Fun (1112 groups)
Learning (189 groups)
Love (642 groups)
Money & Careers (209 groups)
Travel (124 groups)


From a blog on Eons:

Is Aging a State of Mind?

posted 3 days ago

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Does a person’s attitudes about aging affect how they age? The American Federation for Aging Research (AFAR) is trying to find the answer and welcomes input from the Eons community. Please take our survey at view link
Your answers will help us determine how attitudes toward aging influence health behaviors.
Results will be part of AFAR’s Campaign for Successful Aging, a public education initiative designed to address societal misconceptions about aging and promote healthier aging and will be shared with the public this summer.
For more information about healthy aging based on the latest scientific research, please visit http://www.Infoaging.org.
We also welcome your comments about your successful aging strategies.

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SAMPLES OF POSTING ON BLOG

Testosterone and aging posted about 1 month ago

Men also experience age-related hormonal changes

by S. Mitchell Harman, Eons contributor

Is there a male menopause? Not precisely, but there are certainly significant hormonal changes as men age. A decrease in the level of testosterone in the body begins in the thirties and continues at a relatively constant rate into old age. This is accompanied by other hormonal changes, including a tendency to secrete more adrenal steroids in response to stress.

Although there is no proven relationship between low testosterone and diminished sexual response during aging, it has become clear that a substantial percentage of men over the age of 65 would be diagnosed as testosterone deficient if they were younger.

In addition, a number of research studies have documented that aging brings a decline in sexual activity and quality and quantity of erections, as well as a loss of desire for sexual activity and an increase in the length of time men report being comfortable without sex.

In one study, fewer than 20 percent of men 70 years and older reported consistently adequate erectile function, and nearly 40 percent rated their erectile function as “little or none.” In the same study, approximately 15 percent of men age 70 and over reported desire for sex more than once weekly, and 35 percent had no sexual desire. In yet another study, approximately 50 percent of men ages 70-79 reported moderate or complete loss of erectile function, compared with only 25 percent of men 40-49 years of age.

Is a decline in testosterone responsible for these changes? It appears from experiments in a number of animal species that testosterone affects sexual behavior and the ability to have erections, but this has not been proven in humans. Based on animal experiments, low testosterone levels also seem to contributes to age-related changes in fat and muscle. However, only a thorough battery of studies that determine whether or not testosterone replacement slows or reverses these changes will confirm the role the hormone plays in the male aging process.

Testosterone replacement therapy?

In studies so far, the results have been promising. In one study, 80 percent of older men said their libido improved after treatment with testosterone, compared with about 8 percent receiving a placebo. In another trial, of 150 men ages 50-70 treated with another male hormone – dihydrotestosterone – the results indicated that hormone replacement improves early morning erections and the ability to maintain an erection. A few studies suggest that giving testosterone to older men who have low testosterone levels may increase muscle mass, decrease body fat, and improve bone density, but significant effects on strength and endurance with testosterone alone have not been documented.

The adage that “Nothing in life is free” certainly holds true for male hormone therapies. The benefits they promise are accompanied by risks, including:

    • Loss of libido and decrease in erections.
      Decreases in lean body mass, muscle strength, and endurance.
      Decreases in bone density.
      Increases in body fat and insulin resistance.
  • Possible prostate enlargement, with obstruction of urine flow or even an increase in cancers.
    Blood cholesterol levels leading to hardening of the arteries (atherosclerosis) and greater risk of heart attacks, strokes, etc.
    Studies have not shown whether testosterone actually produces either of the above adverse effects when given to healthy older men with low testosterone levels. A recent study showed that men with adult onset (type 2) diabetes are at greater risk for heart disease if they also have low testosterone levels; so it may be that higher levels of testosterone actually protect men from atherosclerosis. Again, we cannot really assess the risk-benefit ratio for male hormone replacement until we complete more well-controlled studies. Currently, California researchers are treating 300 older men with a testosterone gel to examine the effects on atherosclerosis as well as muscle strength and endurance, fitness, body fat, glucose tolerance, and psychological and sexual function.

    And, despite the uncertainties, it is still considered good clinical practice for knowledgeable geriatricians and endocrinologists to treat men, regardless of age, with male hormone replacement when they are clearly testosterone deficient. However, as we noted, many older men with this condition are never diagnosed or treated. If you are experiencing one or more symptoms of low testosterone, you should discuss them with your physician.

    Aging alone brings changes

    However, you should also keep in mind that aging itself is associated with changes in body composition similar to those observed in younger men with testosterone deficiency. These include:
    Non-hormonal factors such as nutrition, exercise, oxidative damage, and so on, can also play important roles in the biology of aging. Therefore, testosterone, or even multiple hormone replacement, is not a magic solution that will reverse the effects of aging. Further studies of the risks and benefits of male hormone replacement are needed to clarify the issues we have discussed.
S. Mitchell Harman, MD, PhD, is director and president of the Kronos Longevity Research Institute, a not-for-profit, 501(c)(3) organization that conducts state-of-the-art clinical translational research on the prevention of age-related diseases and the extension of healthier human life. If you would like more about KLRI or its research, please visit their website at www.kronosinstitute.org or call 866-840-1117.
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The Aging Self posted about 1 year ago
My eldest grandson called the other evening. He had just finished a book I’d suggested and he wanted to discuss certain aspects of what he’d read. We spent two hours chatting away. Toward the end of the talk, some how the conversation turned to me, eventually facing death, and there was in his voice a sadness, when he said something about how he really wants me to live a very, very long time…My boy, my boy.

I told him that we have to endeavor to put aside emotional feelings, a bit, when we think about death, especially the death of someone who has had the opportunity to live, for awhile, to grow into adulthood, live through the most vital years, and now is on the path of biological deterioration. Because, really, as I told him, we are all faced with death, eventually.

I told him it is something I am working on accepting, and hope to set an example to him, to his mom, to everyone, of how to reach the end of life, with grace, and a sense of coming ‘full circle’. I told him we modern human beings try so hard to separate ourselves from the fact of death, that we do younger generations, and ourselves a vast disservice.

We all need to be raised to understand, and have it reinforced often, that death is a natural end to the biological entity, and one best faced, and realized early, so that the life we live is as full of learning and self development as possible. This fact should stand arm in arm with whatever religious or spiritual beliefs we are taught. Developing fully, as a human being is the reason for this thing we call physical life, not making money, or accumulating material things, or satisfying and gratifying physical urges and desires.

In doing some research, I recently came across the fall 2005 report from the President’s Council on Bioethics. I was really impressed by one section that is one of the most honest, human things I’ve ever read, as far as government reports go. I feel it is something everyone should read, why it should be required reading!

The Aging Self-A selection from Taking Care, a report
from the President’s Council on Bioethics
view link

In Touch With Jeannine
view link

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Being Old posted about 4 hours ago
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love … I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)




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