Archive for July, 2009

This post is warmly dedicated to

Shadowlands and Tauna

to each I send much love………

In my own way I am very determined to make my new path so that when I step within my Crepusculum,  I will be able to breathe a sigh and say, “You made It–You made it Your Way!!!”  And when I say that. I want to be able to jump, to wave, to sing, to laugh joyously, to know that at that moment I am happy and that I will continue to make my days happy.  Nor will I feel sad that I have entered that era of my life.  It should and will be a time to rejoice that I am that mature, that I have worked to be happy and that I am ready for what tomorrow brings me.

In this world of gray that I live, the one that will continue to jettison me to my renaissance, is a world that I have to remember there will  only be a few people close to me that say “Its good, you will make it, you follow your heart and do it your way!”  That’s the key of the gray because so many good-willed people forget that each of us, no matter how much we are nudged, can only do it ourselves.  The gray in life isn’t just the overcast sky caused by a dense cloud cover, it is much closer, it is the part of me that is overwhelmed, filled with thoughts and emotions and so thick that it is impossible to sort, sift or dispense with easily.  Then that gray begins to grow even more thickly simply because there is a lack of seratonin in me.  So many things causes the gray.  Each human’s gray is filled with different reasons, although some can be similar.  My gray, for instance,  is filled with ongoing grief, guilt, ambivalence in relationships, some friendships and not being industrious to set a groundwork for a personal legacy.

Months have passed and the majority around me urge me to just get on with it.  Its time you pulled yourself out from where you are, the time has been too long, they say.  Then there are others who wish never to acknowledge that there ever was something that allowed me to slide, slide pitifully into the densest of grays.  Its quite an experience if you have never been there.  You don’t think to well, you don’t care to write, thank god because the words just aren’t in the head.  Most days and hours you are not attentive.  You don’t care about anything even yourself.  Then  sleeplessness walks in, non-stop eating makes itself at home in your head and further withdrawal from sharing continues until it is nearly extinguished.  Yet for me, there remained two remarkable people who never expected more from me than what I was for any particular day.  Never did they coax me to change, yet their contact with me was always supportive in a wonderfully quiet way.  These two rare people know me the best of anyone because I tell them everything and they listen and   let me know they are always there.

Well, now there is a little break in that gray that wraps around me.  Yes I decided that I needed to begin living, but that does not mean that I give up and accept all the reasons for the gray.  I think perhaps what is unique that this little beginning of Renaissance in  life allows me to continue to sift and sort, heal and pamper all the emotions in the gray.  In fact, it gives me new tools to see and to evaluate and to come to terms with myself.  My two special people have unknowingly given me more help than anyone.  It is destiny I believe that brought each of us together.  One is like a sister to me who knows me so well and can tell when something is wrong, who has gone through more grief and pain than anyone should have  to bear and yet has always given  me continual support and prayer.  The other person, simply put has become my Sage, with enough wisdom to set confusing matters straight in a quiet way, yet also is plagued by many physical problems.  I think that is why they both are so special and their words are taken so easily to heart.  Each has their own pain in living but each have always been willing to give support by sharing their own adversity.

And, during this whole time of nothing, of pushing gray to one side only to find it coming back again, I continually thought what my Mother believed in so strongly and that was of Tomorrow.  Now I do think of tomorrow and also have noticed that when I see someone not smiling or not being pleasant I often tell them that smiling makes a big difference in life, smiling is like a ray of golden sun and if you share that ray of sun with others you will find you receive much warmth and understanding in return.

As I write I smile because during all this gray I have begun to grow from within.  There is much more compassion, much more logic than before and possibly if I look hard enough I will see that wisdom has rested with the walls of my heart.  Yes, there still is so much more that I need to do, to work on.  But only in the last few days has this begun to happen.  I know there will be more that I will be able to understand and a fresh willingness to want to explore life.  It will all come in good time and only when I am ready.  But for now I am pleased that I have my little beginning to a Renaissance at it will lead me to the next stage where I can grow just a little more.

To those who are uncomfortable with me and my gray I promise to be more cautious with whom I share my life.   Some people just can’t handle my past and current emotional state.  That’s fine with me–because I do believe that through the gray there will be life.


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After writing a post for the first time in a few months, I returned today to begin a new one.  I noticed I had an incredible amount of comments and decided I must attend to them.  Before I stopped writing, occasionally I got a comment from Poland or Russia.    There weren’t too many, but it made me happy someone from far away had take the time to read and to leave a word to me.

Today I realized that nearly forty comments were from a contingent in Russia.  I translated many of their responses to find many comments ranging from simple thank yous, slight differences of opinions and on to other responses to particular posts.

I want to take a moment now to thank them for visiting.  As with all my readers I cherish your comments, I have acquired some very close friendships from my readers.  And now for those readers so far away from me you need to know just how much I appreciate your visits.

Soon I will have a translator on my blog.  I think it will make it easier for anyone who speaks a foreign language.



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It has been many months since I have come to share my thoughts with my readers.  I doubt that many of you are left, but possibly you will see this post and wonder, “Is it true–did he write!”  Yes, it is time to write, it is time to use Crepusculum once more to help me sort out my thoughts, particularly those centered upon this state of life that I am in.  No I did not make a mistake, I believe I am with in a very strange state where my life is experiencing not all things that are good.

The thing that makes me edgy is change.  I don’t like it, yet how do you stop tripping on all the stumbling blocks along your  life voyage.   The little differences that affect me are the ones that plague my mind, yet humorously the changes that I have made happen to me are wonderful for me, but often not as fun for M. as he watches me becoming a less readable person.

It came to me one day–I stopped dead in my tracks and said, “Are you going to continue this way and die this way?”  Next I asked, “If you don’t, then start loosening the mental restrictions you have always endured.”  I did and it was like I took off a girdle.  Suddenly my lifelong inhibitions started to crumble.  At first, when I did a few things I had never done before, I stopped to take heed and lectured my self on being so indefinite.  I thought, people aren’t supposed to be so dissolute.  Pick yourself up and stop the nonsense.

Well, it wasn’t so easy.  Those tiny little crumbs, the newness of unbridled life was so monumental that there was no stopping me.  I had broken the shackles and I felt I had just a small chance to taste life in a wonderful new way.  I knew I needed to because if I was expected to become Within Crepusculum one day, then my time before the entry into my dusk needed to be brilliantly, humorously, tastefully, possibly wantonly paved with exciting memories of now.  If the twilight was only to be heralded with boredom then I was on my way to an eternally, troubled existence that would lead me to my last, darkest hours.

Then of course,  this renaissance or even possible birth of independence, seems triggered by old haunts that I have had for years that are coupled with my continued grief and nonacceptance of my management of family and death  during those pungent days of last November.  Time will only tell if the closure that must come one day will rid me of my mind of blame  and permanently open the the door of my Renaissance.

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