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Archive for November, 2009

Each day passes more quickly than I would like.  I wish for the passage of night to be short, but by early morning, before dawn is even awakening, I toss and turn and feel that one more moment or hour in bed will be too much for me.  With each day I worry that I may be returning to old habits and old habits brought me into the depths of sleep deprivation.   So far I still am affected by the accumulation of little sleep, particularly when I get up early……..then I am most aware of how tired I can be.

Yesterday at dusk or during the crepuscular day, while working in my garden,  I wished that the dusk could last longer, but once the greyness sets in, the black surrounds us very quickly in Florida.  I also wished that the dawn of morning could also come earlier so the length of that new day light could last longer.  Within a moment I realized, probably because of  the heat of the day, that I wanted to work within the grey parts of  the day when everything begins to calm and feel more comfortable.    Juxtaposed to my life the real twilights and dawns, the times that signal the most significant changes in my day may be a lesson for me in life.

Rather than wondering and worrying about the days of Crepusculum, maybe I need to just start enjoying this time of my life like I enjoy the twilight and the dawn.  Maybe, being within my Crepusculum  can become as calming to me as the real world’s crepuscular times.

So, instead of worrying about my lack of sleep, my aches and pains, or always hoping for those particular times of the day, and stop always wishing the reality of my life to change, maybe I should take my Mother’s advice and stop evaluating today or yesterday and look toward tomorrow and smile as I anticipate just how wonderful it can be.

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Sitting on my patio, looking out over the pool and all the wonderful, Florida vegetation in my half acre of garden, I am prompted to ask what my aging is all about.  Is it in my head, or is there something definitely happening physically to me.  I thnk for some it just is a state of mind they get into, whereas, I have never thought about my age and even now have to tell myself that I am sixty-two.  Then I must remind myself that I am and make a couple physical comparisons to make me remember how old I am.

Twenty years ago I would not have sat in this chair with a pinched nerve, overweight and have my thumbs tingle as I type.  Yep, there are changes I can’t deny in my body.  I can take care of most of what is wrong with me if I lose weight.  So, since I hate exercise and will not go to a gym, but love gardening I do the work here in the garden.  I have grown to particular about how the tree or bush is planted to have someone else do it for me.  What I get in return for doing this is a beautiful garden, done the way I want it, a feeling of tiredness in the bones and especially a pain in my back for shoveling and moving wheel barrow after wheel barrow full of topsoil and then mulch.

I also ask if it is worth the aggravation of pain and exhaustion, when I could hire a gardener.  My  neighbor thinks we must be too poor to hire one and then questions why we live where we do.  Well, it is worth the pain and the exhaustion because as I sit here  looking out over what I did this past week I can nod and know it looks good, it looks the way I want it too and tomorrow it still looks good because of the way I did it.

I wonder why I think this way and I know it is because I do not dwell on age, nor hold onto specific actions that may give me a few aches and pains.  It is all part of life.  Just because I have a pain in my back doesn’t mean to stop and say:  “To much doing for a person your age.”  Particularly I will not say that when I smile and see I have lost seven pounds.  Tomorrow will continue on just as today and yesterday.

Probably there will be a day when I have to face the facts and know it isn’t safe to continue on my course I set for myself and agree it is time to sit in a chair, but I will tell you that day is a long way from now.  In the interim, I cannot deny that I may be very close to the doors of my Crepusculum, but being within Crepusculum does not mean you stop, hang up your towel and sit in the rocking chair.  Crepusculum is and must be a time of thinking, of planning, of enjoying, of doing and always a time of self fulfillment.  It is a time of my life that I don’t mind if I enter.

If aging is anything for me it is a state of the body, but with diligence and determination it can be controlled for a very long time.


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A Lesson Gained within My Time

To know what life is all about and
accept that all things may not be good paves
the day when turmoil begins to disappear.

To know that what you do is for you,
is better than imprudent attempts to do for others,
who rarely understand the fire of intent.

To look toward tomorrow and its sunrise
brings a return of goodness to the soul
and when it comes then you can smile.

To hold what you feel is dearest to you,
to keep the memories locked in your heart each day,
keeps them safe from the will of others.

To speak the truth of what and who you are,
of recognizing and accepting your ups and down
will make the person you strive to be the person that you are.

To cry a tear, to laugh out loud, to be quiet as you wish
are choices within your being and not within the realm
of others to change you as they wish.

To grasp the sunshine as you can and
splash your feet within the puddle from the  rain
is on the day you can say “I am fine and I will not change!”

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Momma Oval2

Please press the audio button for “Time to Say Goodbye”,

Sarah Brightman and Angelo Bocelli

https://crepusculum60.files.wordpress.com/https://crepusculum60.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/1-time-to-say-goodbye.jpg

Within a few short days, the fifteenth of November will arrive, the day that Momma left.  I miss her  today even more than a year ago.  The days since she left have never been the same because there is always an emptiness in me, something that was never felt before.  Momma was my anchor, a guide that stabilized me since I was born.  Now,  I flounder occasionally  and when I do I look up to the place way above, to “Al di La”, where Momma looks down.  It is a place way up over the clouds, where Momma  goes to when she knows her spirit needs to tend my life.  Soon I feel her little hand touching my shoulder and it brings me the comfort she alone can bring.

Her favorite songs are still able to evoke raw grief, sweet memories and heartfelt love for her.  Tears will brim in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks whenever I play “You are my Sunshine” and  when Sarah Brightman sings, “It is time to Say Good-Bye”.  I know everyone wants me to say “good bye” but I never will.

Momma will always live  poignantly alive in my heart.  To think that a soothing balm may help me is ridiculous in reality.  Momma is as special to me as she was during each day I shared with her in my life.   She guided, loved without question and was always there.  On particular times I know she still is there and that nothing has changed.  When I drive, Momma is there in the front seat as always and I hold her little hand.  Recently, on the drive to Florida, there were two times that if she hadn’t been there I would have fallen asleep, yet her spirit was so strong it guided me through that desperate period.  And at night, when sleep doesn’t come, or being upset  becomes overwhelming,  I realize a warm and gentle calmness begins to surround me and I fall a sleep.

My little one remains with me regardless of what skeptics may say.  Grief doesn’t stop, not when the love during a life was so strong, regardless of what the relationship is.  Grief comes and goes at its will and one never knows when something will trigger it to return stronger than ever.  In grief, can come the most wonderful moments in your life.  Momma continues to fulfill my request to her that she always remain “My Sunshine, for all of my days!”


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